Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Randomize
