Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
