My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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