when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
