Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
