Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Randomize
