My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
