You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
