i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
