i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
