Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
