So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
