matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
