im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
