I just saw a hot homeless man
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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