Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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