my phone needs a breathalizer
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Come on in and take your pants off
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