I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
