I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
