I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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