Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The air was thick with penises
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
