omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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