Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
