Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
