you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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