I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
