Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
