Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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