WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
