Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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