I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
