it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
