Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
