forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize