So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
