Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
