Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
