There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
