If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
