I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
