Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
