College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
