Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
