Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
