i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
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