Apparently you make a good broom.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
