Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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