I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
