There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
