Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
