we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
