just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
