what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
