the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
