Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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