I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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