My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize