My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
