I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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