I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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