Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
