so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
