btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
